Or, have we simply bought into the idea that love is hard to find & temporary? Have we soured to the concept of commitment and the belief that no-one wants it, or that those we want it with, do not want it with us? Have we hardened our armour to avoid feeling pain & sufferance and therefore closed off to experiencing Love?
Alternatively, are our standards too high? Has Romanticism or Disney fucked us up?
I personally love a challenge. Unfortunately, this sees me seeking affection from those who are locationally, emotionally or physically unavailable. I mean shit, if they're already taken, the greater the desire. By all means, I’ll wait it out (I’m not about that home wrecker life).
If it seems harder to attain, the harder I will work and the greater the reward I perceive it to be should they succumb to my wit and charm. This includes Men who ‘Aren’t looking for a relationship right now’.
Cue: “If I can make them change their mind about relationships, I must be amazing”. There are so many voids present in this toxic setup, yet I know I am not alone. Staying in this paradigm means never truly having to make myself vulnerable to the concept of ‘Falling in Love”, because in the back of my mind I know this dynamic & the situationship I get myself into is destined to fail. It repeats a cycle I am well accustomed to. It doesn’t surprise me and I like that. In fact, those who know me understand I do like to have control & have foresight of any situation haha. (eek)
There are a million ways for our ego to gain control & have us stay within our comfort zone, even if the comfort zone is painful, and even if it means a loss of connection, it’s SAFER than the unknown. (READ THAT AGAIN).
To the traumatised brain & hyper-vigilant ego-mind, it’s always better to be separate than to risk being seen & then rejected.
This is why we sabotage our own healing. We pick the same ’type’ of Men/Women over and over again. We strap on our armour & get ready for WW1, 2, 3 or 10 every time - knowing the outcome.
We push love away or and scrutinise the finer details of every potential mate we meet or relationship we begin to ensure they play into our narrative of a lonely existence. This is why relationships and even friendships can be intensely challenging. We’re just waiting for that fuck up so our brain can be like “Told Ya So!!'
As soon as vulnerability or intimacy are required, our ego-mind is on high alert. It wants to remain safe & hidden. It does this through separation and distancing (lol, jokes on us with pandemic season right now)…and so enters my Narrative...
I’m Avoidant & Dismissive in my attachment style. I hide behind sarcasm & sass because it’s easier to joke about failures than to get real with myself on the common denominator -ME!!
How do I justify these tactics? By scanning the room, making judgments, through impatience or intolerance, catastrophizing, blaming or comparison (which by the way is the THIEF of Joy).
“He’s too young. He’s too friendly. He’s too nice. He hates Women in power. He doesn’t have the same interests" etc.
Caught between those who I ‘Can’t have’ and those that do not interest me & that I prefer as friends. Ya’ll feel me?
To stop this cycle, we have to become strong observers of our mind. We have to be willing to notice the inner-detective work going on & say ’not today’. Today I choose mindfulness. Today, I choose connection. And then we do the scary and brave thing - we own and totally embrace our fear of vulnerability.
We reveal our hidden parts - we laugh at our own impatience, intolerance or needy fearsome demands of ego. Instead of chastising ourselves, we turn inwards with compassion & love, after all, the lack of which is what wound us up here in the first place.
I personally believe people too often expect “love” to be synonymous with completion, with another party fulfilling your every need - as if you are in some way half of a human or weak. This is simply not true. Though we seek our ‘other half’ to fill that which we do not empower, one person cannot be ‘Our Everything’ - that human simply does not exist. Your best friend, lover, chef, accountant, business manager, counsellor, spiritual guide….the list goes on.
That’s not a real person!
When we listen to Anthropological Data & Brain Chemistry studies we know that love is: a concoction of Dopamine, Testosterone, Oxytocin, Norepinephrine & Vasopressin.
Limerence (Love) is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies with the desire to maintain a relationship with the object of our love & have our feelings reciprocated. It can be broken down into 3 categories: Lust, Attraction & Attachment. Each Category is characterised by a different set of Hormones or Neurotransmitters.
Dopamine being responsible for the highs and lows of the Love Drug. The presence alone of its excess leads to our obsessive anxious thoughts as it lowers our happiness chemical, Serotonin. It drives us to seek attention & reciprocity like it’s the air we need to breathe. The lower level of serotonin coincided with an increase in Norepinephrine has us unable to get a good night’s sleep, lying awake tossing and turning with anxiety.
Oxytocin & Vasopressin are our 'cuddle chemicals’, associated with a loving bond & trust. Women naturally having more receptor sites for oxytocin than Men. They are unregulated when there is an increase of Estrogen in the body (in alignment with our menstrual cycle).
We seek Love with those that balance out our imperfections or play into our CET (Core Erotic Theme). For me, my Core Erotic themes are Overcoming Obstacles & Ambivalence. Case in point, I am attracted to people I disagree with (I like to argue) yet are hard to obtain or unable to be loved…. good one Amy.
We are all attracted to Mystery, Difference & Symmetry. We find people who are different from us to be mysterious and novel - which in turn makes them more desirable. Our brain loves strange & new novelties. It creates an explosion of the feel-good neurotransmitter Dopamine. This leads to the feeling of romantic love.
We desire those different from us to secure the survival of our offspring. Research shows that the mating of dissimilar DNA creates profound and robust immune systems in children. Survival of the fittest perhaps?
We perceive those with symmetrical physical properties to be more attractive; even more so if we ourselves have a feature on our bodies that is not, i.e.: someone with a big nose may seek (unconsciously or consciously) a partner with a smaller nose. This extends to race & our upbringing associated with the ethnic bias we were predisposed to.
When Men fall in love, the brain regions associated with visual processing are activated (hence love at first sight). Youth and beauty indicate high oestrogen which means the potential for more offspring. When Women fall in love the brain is focused on security. Attracted to Men who display qualities of high success, intelligence & financial security. A successful man is attractive as they are more likely to provide for and look after them in Pregnancy/Childbirth.
So before you chastise Men for ‘getting a newer model’ when the feelings for their high school sweetheart dissipate, or, Women for pursuing Men with Money & Success or dissing the dude riding shotgun in his best friend’s ride (No Scrubs), understand this is our innate brain function & biology at play. Men are Toxic. Women are Toxic - We’re all toxic in our own way. But this ’Toxicity’ is also a one-sided perspective. Not a single human exists without equal positive & negatives to their persona. We attract what we focus on & what we require. We live within our own set of values & attract our voids. Those which empower other areas of life that we do not, will be drawn to us.
What we, specifically fall for as individuals is dependent upon our unique personal experiences - good & bad. This is our Love Map. Ever heard the song “You remind me” by Usher? Yea that’s his Love Map with a big fat alarm bell like 'Nahhhh man we seen this typa chick before - we ain't going there again….U Turn that asap!'
If we reference Human behaviour, we have people like Dr John Demartini, Human Behaviour Specialist, who defines Love as: The Synthesis and Synchronicity of all complementary opposites in the universe. i.e.: Opposites attract & Love is all around us...
The chemicals released during Limerence (Love) are Oxytocin, Dopamine, Norepinephrine Vasopressin & Testosterone. We also release a catapult of these chemical messengers when we orgasm/ejaculate - this is why THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CASUAL SEX. Unless you’re playing murder in the dark with glory holes, private parts and zero human connection, you are DEFINITELY exchanging energies & creating limbic bonding.
Like it or not, you will develop a connection (or at least your brain will) to the person you Fuck. You will be exposed to the ‘energy’ they bring to the table - negative or positive. You will reaffirm insecurities if they play on them. You will assume the worst and have the outcome feed into it, if they fit your narrative of longing & disappointment.
We are a Fast Sex, Slow Love Society. Like sure, 'let me lick your private parts & swallow your babies but let's not talk about feelings or the future because I’m not up for that shit'. Heaven forbid we put ourselves out there and they don’t like what they see. Or rather, the mask we wear is so comfortable around others we, ourselves barely know the real us anymore.
We are but a ghost driving a meat covered skeleton made from stardust (carbon atoms) riding a rock (earth) floating through space & developing relationships with varying degrees of intimacy before dying in this MOFO. We catalogue people & date recklessly. We are ignorant to the damage we cause when we mislead or hurt others. We treat others like they are disposable coffee cups.
If you’ve got some bomb-ass dick appointments to fulfil physical needs and some ride or die bitchezz (friends) to fulfil your emotional needs with a workplace that stimulates your mental capacity - why the fuck would you require a partner? Where is the need? Life is ever encompassing and full. It will bring what you lack but the more you fill those positions the less the need will be.
I think I’m a strong independent Woman ‘who don’t need no Man’ yet I still fantasise about romantic situations. I’ve got a balcony outside my door for Romeo to climb & an apartment bedroom much like Taylor swift’s, looking out at her neighbour in ‘Love story'. I’ll hate on Valentine’s day with a passion yet secretly wish to be swept off my feet or have someone fly interstate to meet me (True story haha). I’ll berate ‘Fuckboys' who make passes yet wish upon garden weeds, curled chips or apples with leaves attached for "True Love”.
Online dating is my biggest pet peeve & I refuse to be a part of it. It is a plethora of false standards that make us highly critical & bold yet unable to create banter with a real-life fleshy person we find attractive in public. I don’t fall for people very easily. In fact, majority of the time I wonder if I’m Asexual. Whilst studies suggest “love” is short lived (6-18month lifespan) & probably equally as troublesome as the benefits, or that monogamy may not be realistic...
I hope you find love - I really do. I hope you get swept up in the feeling. I hope you get butterflies (this is Norepinephrine at play) in your stomach when you see them. I hope you smile when you get their texts on your phone. I hope you get their name tattooed on your butt cheeks ffs. I hope you last as a couple and I hope you become the exception to the statistical data on divorces & the scientific literature on romance.
To be completely honest - I hope the same for me too. Actually, I hope to fall in love only once as I have only a single butt cheek left for a name, the other has the word Wild stamped on haha. Mum, Dad - I’m totally Joking, my next tattoo is of Jesus or the mother Mary (lol).
I hope you can be yourself around the person you CHOOSE to date. To be willing to walk away from that which doesn’t serve you as if it were a business deal. To be overwhelmingly passionate about your purpose & finding love but unattached to the individual itself. To know when you are belittling your own ambitions or holding on for too long. To know that no response - is a response, and that if they wanted to - they would have.
Above all, I hope you love yourself. Not because you have to in order for someone else to, but rather because you deserve to be happy with the person you are spending your ENTIRE life with. And to put the Tea on that, I want to remind you that life is short and tomorrow is not guaranteed, so if you like someone, you think they look pretty/handsome or you enjoy your time with them - SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST! The best way to receive love is to give it. Whether that be the love of Friends, Family or Random Strangers.
Happy Easter & I Love you,